Sunday, 07 March 2010

• Where Are All The Bad Games At?

  
  

  
  So recently I earned myself a free PS3 by changing my phone contract. This fact still constantly surprises and delights me more than it ever really should. This combination of phone and console is oddly appropriate as the last time I bought a phone it roughly coincided with my purchase of a PS2, when I was a mere 12 years old. Yes, I had the same phone for nearly 9 years, regularly borrowing other people's since mine rarely worked and had a battery life of roughly 30 minutes. When I suddenly realized that it was sometimes necessary for people to be in contact with me, I endeavoured to find myself a suitable replacement, or rather a more modern but similarly shit replacement with a kickass free toy.

  
  

  
  

  Now the PS3 is rather wonderful and far outstrips my battered old 360 in every way, including the fact that the HDMI output actually functions. Now I can't prove that all Xbox 360s have broken HDMI outs, but I still count this as a point in favour of Sony's sleek and sexy nerdgasm. The PS3 also has the significant advantage of being the only console that will see a release of Heavy Rain, the mere thought of which normally results in girlish giggling and pant wetting on my part (The game drops at the end of this week and it is more than likely I will throw up an article on it soon after).

  
  

  But all of this counts for nothing, because the PS3 has one significant disadvantage in comparison to the Xbox 360 as well as its own predecessor, the PS2.

  
  

  Where the fuck is all my shovelware?

  
  

  Now I am a young, hip 20 year old and so am entirely incapable of even remotely enjoying anything unless I am doing so ironically. Like many others, particularly the article writing population of the internet, I am entirely incapable of forming attachments to fictional characters and, in fact, the idea of a game or movie having a compelling plot seems outright ridiculous to me. I am practically incapable of genuine enjoyment and so the only emotional responses I am capable of are anger, disgust and disappointment. Games trying to actually impress me are missing the point entirely because if I've got nothing to make fun of or complain about, I've got basically no reason to play the game.

  
  

  I want to hate videogames.

  
  

  I want to REALLY hate videogames and that is why I play genuinely bad games.

  
  

  Looking over my PS2 games collection, I notice several movie tie ins. I am particularly proud of my extensive Harry Potter library. I am also fond of my copy of The Mummy Returns, a game I only played once and got so angry at, I stopped playing only a few hours in. One of my favourite games of all time is Square's The Bouncer, which will probably get an article of its own because it is the single best example of a game with an awful, nonsensical plot, terrible characters, a boring and clunky combat system and a cutscene:game ratio thoroughly stacked in favour of cutscenes.

  
  

  I also own basically every Simpsons tie-in game ever. I don't even really like the Simpsons, I just knew the games' mediocrity would entertain me.

  
  

  So today I was browsing in my local games outlet, still ever-so-slightly enjoying the unfamiliarity of the PS3 aisle when I realized that every game on show was one I'd heard of. Assassins Creed 2, Bioshock 2, Dragon Age Origins, games that are absolutely impossible to avoid as every reviewer in the world is constantly firing off creamy gobs of salty praise in the direction of anyone who happens to be around at the time. Sure, these games are pretty and they have good gameplay and maybe some sort of fun online deathmatch mode, but where is the HEART? Where is the frustration? Try as I might, I could not find a single game that looked sufficiently quirky, amateur or, more importantly, shit enough to suit my needs. Of course, I'll play all the popular games eventually, but I feel that this is only half the usual gaming experience. I NEED bad games to balance them out.

  
  

  I am genuinely afraid that the so-bad-it-makes-me-want-to-die game market is going to slowly fade away. Smaller studios just aren't available to vomit out the utter electronic dross I crave. Hell, barely any of them even exist any more as they've mostly been bought out by the giants of the industry. I, for one, feel that this is a crying shame.

  
  

  I suppose all I can do is wait for Final Fantasy XIII. At least that is guaranteed to be over dramatic and self obsessed enough to entertain me.

  
  

  Until then I'm gonna give The Mummy Returns another go.

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